Sutton’s Mighty 5ths travelled to Shirley Park today to take on their third team. It wasn’t just the opening match of our winter campaign, it was also a weapons test. The weapon in question was a Cyberdine Systems Model 101. Still, as Sarah Connor put it, “If you can’t pass for human, you’re not much good to us” so we decided to name him ‘Derick Human’ and see if we could pass him off as one of our regular guys.


David and Jason played as first pair and quickly raced into a 5-0 lead against Shirley Park’s first pair. Then, perhaps, we eased off a little – certainly Shirley Park’s players upped their game and dug in but we always had a bit too much for them, closing it out 6-3 6-1.


1-0 Sutton


Mike and ‘Derick’ terminated Shirley Park’s second pair 6-0 6-4. As the final ball neared the line,’Derick’ intoned “Get out!” It did.


2-0 Sutton


David and Jason then polished off Shirley Park’s second pair 6-2 6-2 with a relatively solid but unspectacular performance, doing what was needed to see the job through.


3-0 Sutton


Mike and ‘Derick’ then had to face the opposition first pair to see whether they could secure the 4-0 score line. They took the first set 6-4 but Shirley Park roared back to take a 5-2 lead in the second. Perhaps they thought they would finish the job – if so, they hadn’t reckoned on the fact that ‘Derick’ can’t be bargained with, he can’t be reasoned with, he doesn’t feel pity or remorse or fear, and he absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are beaten (if only they’d consulted with Kyle Reese ahead of the tie). ‘Derick’ looked at Mike through those mirrored sunglasses that never come off (if you’ve seen him round the club, you’ll know what I mean) and said “Come with me if you want to live.”


2-5 became 3-5, 4-5, 5-5, 6-5 and, eventually, 7-5. Hasta la vista, baby!


Shirley Park then graciously put on a nice tea for us (‘Derick’ didn’t eat anything – but then, I did tell you he was a cyborg). They may need a few sessions with Dr Silberman to recover from meeting The Terminator but we thank our hosts for their hospitality and we wish them well in their remaining matches.


If you see ‘Derick’ around the club, and if he should mention that he needs ‘your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle,’ my advice would be to give them to him.


As it was ‘Derick’s’ first match, we’ll leave the last word to him:


I’ll be back!